... after reading Sandmonkey's blog post:

After reading Sandmonkey's blog post I was overwhelmed with sadness. I wanted to comment but words failed me. When I read the tweets, FB and blog posts of those involved in Egypt's revolution, and sense the exhaustion, despair, disillusionment, I wish there were words that could rejuvenate and inspire. The cold hard reality is that Revolution takes a long time to achieve. Along the way there are far too many lives irrevocably altered, or ended; far too much blood is shed in gaining freedom.

Yet, through it all, I am reminded what resilient people Egyptians are, and their wonderful sense of humour shines through, with twitter topics like #LoveInTheTimeOfRevolutions. Thank God for that sense of humour!

Thank God, too, for their tenacity and resilience. They have not, as in some countries, succumbed to taking up arms to fight their oppressors. They still use sticks and stones, and unadulterated courage facing oppressors armed with guns, tear gas, and shields. As much as they are empassioned to succeed, they are still dedicated to doing so peacefully if possible.

No one gave Egyptians a manual on the perfect way to have a Revolution. They went by instinct, by passion, by commitment. Mistakes were made, and more will be made. But they will keep going, and one day they will win.

Things are changing outside of Tahrir Square. A friend of mine in Port Said was not, up to this time, very outspoken about politics in Egypt. After the massacre at the football game, I actually saw her comment negatively about SCAF. I am certain that is happening across the country. SCAF will be the making of their own demise, in time.

Although I often post a comment on Sandmonkey's blog, I didn't this time. I'm not exactly sure why, but it felt wrong. Those of us on the outside can empathize with Egyptian revolutionaries, but we can't fully understand what they have sacrificed thus far. Sometimes I wonder if our words to them really help, or just annoy. It's easy for us to say yalla and cheer them on, but we're not the ones losing loved ones, or being wounded, or facing teargas and bullets.

Egypt isn't my country, but I've come to care about those fighting the Revolution, and to care for what happens to Egypt as a country. So I will continue to pray for strength and healing for all those Egyptians that have given so much for this Revolution. They will win.

Read @Sandmonkey's tweets tonight and felt such sadness. Lives, irrevocably changed because of Revolution, will never be carefree again. Innocence, faith, blood and tears, have been sacrificed for Freedom. And the Revolution continues.

I pray that, one day, when time has reduced their wounds to faded scars, they can visit Tahrir Square and bask in the Freedom they gave so much to achieve. On that day they will pay tribute to those who paid the highest price for this Freedom.

History will remember them as 'Revolutionaries'. We, who have watched them from afar will insist on this, out of undying respect for all those Egyptians who dared to dream and put those dreams into action.

But, for now, we will quietly weep, and pray for their safety as they continue to sacrifice their hearts and souls for Freedom. Yalla, Masr!

I weep
for those who now bear brutal scars,
for the innocent lives cut short,
for the senseless violence,
for the anger,
for the grief,
for the loved ones left behind,
for the empty seats at the table,
for the enraged marches,
for the retribution,
for the end to innocence,
for the dreams that have died.
I weep,
tears of blood for them all

© 2012

Went with Dad to the chemo clinic today. He has been having a rough go of it because he is finding it hard to eat. He can swallow fine, but the food doesn't go down the esophagus properly, as it is not flexing as it should. Dad says it feels as if he has a bubble in his throat that won't let the food down. Last night he didn't eat anything because of this bubble. This morning he ate fine! Even taking his pills and water has been a challenge.

We talked to the oncologist today, and she said Dad should take a break from the chemo for a couple of weeks. The last CT scan was good, and she said the small lumps in his liver are gone. There is a bit of thickening in the area of the lower esophagus where the tumor is, but that's not necessarily growth, but probably scar tissue from the brachytheraphy. The scope showed no blockage of the esophagus, and the biopsy showed no active cancer cells. He may need another bit of radiation, if that doctor thinks it would be useful.

That was the good news.

Here is the bad news: Dad must be on chemo indefinitely, possibly for the rest of his life. The oncologist said people can be on chemo for years, but she added that this won't be Dad's case, suggesting that he doesn't have years.

Dad came home and went straight to bed. He is emotionally and physically drained. He feels as if he's losing the battle, and today's information, although good, wasn't what he wanted to hear.

My Dad is a realist, always has been. He isn't the kind of person to focus on some abstract thoughts of getting well and beating this. I don't know how to keep him thinking positively.

I don't know if I can keep thinking positively.

The major thing in my mind right now is: FUCK CANCER!

I was really focusing on Dad getting through this cancer in 2012, being able to take that trip up north to visit his friends, and living into his 90s like his mum. I was focusing on Dad being ok so I could head to Egypt this year. I was focusing on him surviving this so all would be ok.

After taking care of my mother for years, I thought finally I'd be able to make a life for myself. I thought there would still be time for me. I'm not old, but I'm not young either, and life is passing by. I want to go to Egypt for a few months, to really get into the culture and art, and to help with the horses. But it looks as if that won't happen now.

And I am wracked with guilt at even thinking this way.

How do I keep Dad's spirits up, keep him looking positively forward? How do I find a way to keep him eating? How do I handle him losing weight, losing energy, losing enthusiasm? How do I stand by and watch him let go because he doesn't have the energy to fight anymore? I watched my mother whither away and die. I'm not sure I can do this again. I'm not sure I have the strength.

But I will do it... somehow... because I have to. There's no one else to do it.

FUCK CANCER!

Ah, a moment of self-reflection. I've been running on fumes for a few weeks now - I partially burned out this past week. To a large degree, while rykorp has been doing much better than I imagined when I first started, the toughest part is that I still feel like I'm doing everything *alone*. I'm not sure the answer to this - I haven't been shy about pulling the trigger to discontinue contracts that aren't working out. 

The problem is I work... very hard. Too much for my own good, and my expectations for those around me is the same. I look at everything I create with much pride - everything I create and produce is a reflection of myself, and I want that to be the kind of mentality of the people I work with. But they're contractors. Or they have lives. This is the reality of it. 

I remember when I got my "executive profile" at MT - there were two (somewhat contrasting) personality traits that are at the core of my work self: the need to perfect (attention to detail), and the urgency to ship. I want to get things out FAST, but I also want them done VERY WELL. This struggle of where I draw the line is where I expend a lot of energy. I haven't shed that personality trait with rykorp. 

. . .

I got a message from a dear friend on FB today. I only post it because I've heard the same thing from all my friends (in other ways), but this is the most direct form: 

by the way, how are you doing?! i've been meaning to ask you, ever since your 'hitch' comment on FB i've been thinking.

roy is really one of the funniest (seriously), most kind, generous, and sweet guy i know. super smart, cute, dresses well, and gotta be dang ripped by now with all the workout routines i read about...has a cute, normal family, interested in bunch of cool stuff, has really interesting hobbies, interests, and cool travel stories. PLUS he's korean. i mean...this package doesn't come around often, maybe he has some really weird, serious psychological thing i don't know about.

I'm sure it's friends just being friends, but I keep hearing, "You're going to end up with some magnificent!" Every time I hear that, I also hear, "Why aren't you in a healthy relationship right now?" 

There is always that implied question of, "What's wrong with Roy? He seems like a great guy to date." 

It's something I've been thinking about for a while. This past year, I tried to put aside any excuses and date. I will say that I have been incredibly fortunate in that the women I've dated (I guess I'm up to 3 real ex-girlfriends now) are all incredible, incredible women. Better than I deserved. But all three relationships have ended due to my "lack of time." (the first one, seven years ago... a nice precursor to the recent two). 

I'm too career-oriented. And while I knew that, I thought I could balance that out this year. I couldn't. Or they couldn't handle it. 

And with every relationship that ends, it becomes harder and harder for me to want to date. I can handle getting hurt, but I can't handle hurting somebody else - especially when I know when going into a relationship that it's doomed. 

. . .

So it kind of goes around full circle. If things were going better at the company, and I felt like I had a better support network there where things would run without me having my fingers in everything, I could feel like I could grow that part of the company more. But I don't feel like that. I'm too detailed-oriented - too much of a perfectionist, to see diluted work coming out of rykorp's development cycle. 

And the saddest part of this is I don't see this ending in 2012. As hard as 2011 was, I think 2012 is going to be harder. 

. . .

So this year? I'm not going to be naive enough to completely swear off relationships. But I don't think I can do anything more than casual relationships. 

This year saw the end of two relationships in a seven-month span, and both of them were really, really hard on me. I'm not sure I can deal with ending another one. 

. . .

So as is the case with how I deal with bad things, I'm running away. I set a bunch of travel plans for the upcoming year. I won't deal with my problems by just overwhelming myself with activities. That sounds really healthy. 

found a spark of inspiration. doing my best to protect it so it can grow into a flame. 

After reading about events today in Egypt, on the anniversary of the beginning of the revolution, there are many thoughts running through my mind.

I find myself wondering how my Egyptian friends feel about things now. Are they optimistic, worried, angry, resigned? I suspect the feelings are mixed. Things having unfolded as they had hoped and it seems that they are still under control of the old regime. However, they have managed to unseat one dictator, and there is still fire in their souls, so I have faith they will continue to forge ahead and, as Shakespeare put it, "damned be he who first cries, hold, enough!"

I am cautiously optimistic, but must admid to feeling some concern about certain issues, such as the attacks on women. I travel alone, and want to come to Egypt one of these days. Non-Egy friends tell me I'm crazy to want to go there. That won't stop me, but I will admit to being concerned.

The positive me believes things will start to improve, but the practical me knows it can't until SCAF is removed, and I don't see them relinquishing power any time soon. I wondered whether there was a chance for the government to reduce the scope of their power, but I don't sense any desire to do so from the MB.

The revolution continues.